diff --git a/blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown b/blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9e391a3 --- /dev/null +++ b/blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown @@ -0,0 +1,115 @@ +--- +title: Change +date: 2021-10-20 +tags: + - enby + - trans +--- + +[Content warning: this post talks about the transgender/nonbinary coming out of +the closet experience. If you are not in the best headspace for that, feel free +to skip this post until you're in a better headspace. This post isn't going to +randomly vanish. It will be there when you're ready. There are some descriptions +of subconscious body functions and bodily fluids that may gross some people +out.](conversation://Cadey/enby) + +Coming out as transgender/nonbinary to someone you care about one of the most +terrifying things you can do. At least it feels that way, it feels like things +are going to change and you'll lose that person. It can be gut-wrenching, +especially for family. + +For me the scariest part of this whole thing has been the change in how people +see me. It can be a huge abrupt difference for some people, and the unknowns in +how people will react to that can make you paralyzed with fear. So, let's look +at change a little. + +[Annoyingly, the same kinds of people that get upset about someone changing +their name and pronouns for coming out as transgender/nonbinary are _instantly_ +and _immediately_ tolerant of someone changing their last name for marriage and +"get used to it" almost instantly.](conversation://Cadey/facepalm) + +Life is a constant change. Stop for a moment right now and feel your body. Feel +how the pressure in your chest changes as your lungs subconsciously inhale and +exhale. If you have a watch, look at the seconds hand (or equivalent digital +display) and watch it tick forward for a bit. Change is constant, yet still +continuously moving forward. Even though the change is happening though, +everything is still roughly the same as it was before. Blood continues to move +through your body, constantly cycling its oxygen with other parts, but it +continues. + +Coming out to my parents was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. +I was nervous beyond belief. I hardly ate that day I hit send. I turned off my +phone after doing it and got lost in a game that I liked playing. The real +reason it was so scary to me though is that I had already tried to come out to +them in the past but I was shut down. + +Middle school was rough for me. I don't really remember much of it (other than +they banned high fives for "gang activity"), but that was when my parents found +my diary app. I don't remember why they were going through my laptop (I grew up +in one of _those_ kinds of Jesus freak households), but they found it somehow +and my entries where I was questioning my gender came to their attention and +they confronted me about it. I was not ready at all. I was completely blindsided +by it. That attempt to come out failed and I was put into Christian +"counseling". I was pushed deep back into the closet and I still have trouble +writing down my thoughts in a journal to this day. + +So that day I hit "send" on [the +email](https://christine.website/blog/coming-out-2015-12-01) was mortally +terrifying. All that fear from so long ago came raging up to the surface and I +was left in a crying and vulnerable state. However it ended up being a good kind +of cry, the healing kind. + +My relationship with my parents (and later my siblings) has deteriorated since, +and not just for religious differences. However, I am fine. I am still healing +and I probably will be healing for a long time and I have accepted that. In +place, I have found something more powerful to put in their place. I have found +a new family of choice. + +[For the parents that read this blog, please do not repeat this kind of +suffering if you can avoid it. I don't want anyone else to suffer the way I have +if I can help to avoid it.](conversation://Cadey/enby) + +This was a huge change, but it ended up being for the better. That change was a +tool to help me live a better life surrounded by the people I wanted to be +around as opposed to the people I inherited. + +There's an idiom that comes to mind, something that is in the "completely +misunderstood" brand of idioms: "blood is thicker than water". +It's often used by people to emphasize the importance of familial relationships +over friendships or the like (family is the "blood" part of that idiom, and +friendships are the "water" part). The full form of the idiom is closer to this: + +> The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb + +This overall sentiment is [commonly interpreted by Christian +scholars](https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/murray_andrew/two/two09.cfm) to +have a meaning closer to "the bond between Jesus and someone who chooses to +believe in Him is stronger than the bond between family members", however we can +afford to interpret this differently for the sake of this message. + +The bonds you choose are stronger than the bonds you inherited. The bonds I have +with my friends, my husband, my closest companions and all those who I keep +close to me are stronger than the bonds with my family will ever be. + +In a way, coming out as transgender to people and that level of associated +change has become a _tool_ to help me figure out who really cares about me and +who I should bother keeping around me. It's my life. I can live it as honestly, +openly and real as I want to. I don't have to justify it to anyone but myself. + +You don't really have to justify this level of change to anyone else but +yourself either. It'll let you know who your real friends are, for better and +for worse. You don't have to keep anyone around you that can't accept you for +who you are. Your family of choice will _always_ have stronger bonds than your +family of origin. + +
+ + + + The dude abides + +
+ +The Dude abides, so will you. Change as a result of coming out can be a good +thing as much as it can be a bad thing. Don't let inherent negativity biases +blind you to that. diff --git a/scripts/ditherify b/scripts/ditherify new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9277f96 --- /dev/null +++ b/scripts/ditherify @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +#!/usr/bin/env nix-shell +#! nix-shell -p imagemagick -i bash + +BASEDIR=$(dirname "$0") +convert $1 -dither FloydSteinberg -remap ${BASEDIR}/gruvbox-dark.png $2 diff --git a/scripts/gruvbox-dark.png b/scripts/gruvbox-dark.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..74e8fe8 Binary files /dev/null and b/scripts/gruvbox-dark.png differ diff --git a/scripts/imgoptimize b/scripts/imgoptimize new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3de6d64 --- /dev/null +++ b/scripts/imgoptimize @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +#!/usr/bin/env nix-shell +#! nix-shell -p libwebp -p libavif -p pngcrush -i bash + +filename="${1%.*}" + +cwebp ${filename}.png -q 75 -o ${filename}.webp +avifenc ${filename}.png -o ${filename}.avif -s 0 -d 8 --min 48 --max 48 --minalpha 48 --maxalpha 48 +pngcrush ${filename}.png diff --git a/static/blog/change/pngout.png b/static/blog/change/pngout.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d8bb407 Binary files /dev/null and b/static/blog/change/pngout.png differ diff --git a/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b532641 Binary files /dev/null and b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif differ diff --git a/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.png b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.png new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f47adba Binary files /dev/null and b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.png differ diff --git a/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp new file mode 100644 index 0000000..179f4e4 Binary files /dev/null and b/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp differ diff --git a/static/blog/change/the-dude.jpg b/static/blog/change/the-dude.jpg new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83d1732 Binary files /dev/null and b/static/blog/change/the-dude.jpg differ