From 0f5159a121c90534b6a8f5247282b37430d06794 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Christine Dodrill Date: Sun, 22 Aug 2021 14:13:47 -0400 Subject: [PATCH] i forgive me Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill --- blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown | 47 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 47 insertions(+) create mode 100644 blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown diff --git a/blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown b/blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5e7749e --- /dev/null +++ b/blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown @@ -0,0 +1,47 @@ +--- +title: I Forgive Me +date: 2021-08-22 +--- + +I took a shower. These words came to me while I was analyzing my life during the +shower. I kept them fresh in my heart and built on them while I was taking that +shower. I wrote them down here. + +--- + +I forgive me. + +Oftentimes I feel the urge to fight against myself for the things that happen in +the world around me. This has created a scenario where I am both more prone to +"failure" and deathly afraid of it. By beating myself up so consistently I have +created more harm than I was hoping to avoid by doing that in the first place. I +was spanked as a child when I did certain kinds of misbehavior. That happened. +It's in my past and it can't unhappen. I need to take care to make sure the +cycle does not continue by starting it on myself. Even if I feel like things are +a "failure". Even if other people report that it is a "failure". I remain. + +I forgive me for the things that have happened. The self is shaped and molded by +the past that the self experiences, which means that the self can become an +avatar of all those who have hurt you and those you have hurt; but at the same +time it is also representative of all of those who have loved you and you have +loved in return. + +I guess the beating up happens because instinctively I am expecting there to be +someone to be punished; someone to be hurt; someone to bear the weight of the +"failure". But that doesn't need to happen. People don't need to be hurt because +of "failure". + +My self is the closest link I have to my past. To all the things that have hurt +me and all the things that have loved me. In doing what I have been doing, I +have created a war within myself that is only serving to sabotage me and I +cannot have this continue any longer. This does not serve me and I need to cut +it out so the things that do serve me can remain. + +I need to be more comfortable with "failure", for "failure" is how we learn. The +road to healing trauma is a step one by one down a miles long road, but I will +take that first step, and the next; and the next; and the next; and the next; +all the way for the rest of my life. + +I forgive me for beating up my closest ally. I forgive me for beating up myself. + +Going forward, I will love where I hated in the past.