---
title: Died to Save Me
date: 2018-08-27
for: Sam
---

# Died to Save Me

People often get confused  
when I mention the fact that I  
consider myself before I  
came out a different person.

It's because that was a different person,  
they died to save me.

The person I was did their  
best given the circumstances  
they were thrown into. It was  
hard for them. I'm still working  
off some of their baggage.

But, that different person,  
even after all of the hardships  
and triumphs they had been through,  
they died to save me.

They were an extrovert pushed into  
being an introvert by an uncaring  
community.  
They were the pariah.  
They were the person who got bullied.  
They survived years of torment but  
they died to save me.

I understand now why the Gods  
prefer to use shaman-sickness to  
help people realize their calling.  
It is such an elegant teacher of  
the Divine. So patient. So forgiving.

It's impossible to ignore everything  
around you feeling incomprehensibly crazy,  
because it is.  
Our system is crazy.  
Our system is incomprehensible.  
We only "like" it because we have no  
way to fathom anything else.

"Awakening" is probably one of the  
least bad metaphors to describe the  
feeling of just suddenly understanding  
the barriers. Of seeing the formerly  
invisible glass prison walls we apparently  
live inside unknowingly.

It's not just an awakening though,  
Not all of me made it through the process.  
Not all of what constitutes yourself  
(in your opinion) is actually a True  
part of you. Not all your thoughts,  
memories, ideas, dreams, wishes  
and even fears or anxieties are  
truly yours.

Sometimes there's that part that  
really does have to die to save you.  
The part that was once a shining beacon  
of hope that has now fallen beyond disrepair.  
A thread of connection to a past that  
can never come to pass again.  
Memories or experiences of pain,  
trauma. It can die to save you too. 

You don't have to carry  
the mountains you come across,  
you can just climb them.

When it dies, it is gone, but:  
you can sleep easier knowing  
they died to save you.