more stories

journal/atom.xml

@@ -2,7 +2,7 @@
 <feed xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom">
   <id>gemini://cetacean.club/journal/</id>
   <title>Flight Journal</title>
-  <updated>2020-07-27T11:43:21.569793+00:00</updated>
+  <updated>2020-07-27T14:48:08.346482+00:00</updated>
   <author>
     <name>Cadey Alicia Ratio</name>
     <email>cadey@firemail.css</email>
@@ -28,4 +28,28 @@
     <updated>2020-07-27T11:43:21.569793+00:00</updated>
     <link href="gemini://cetacean.club/journal/07-27-2020-6e-notes.gmi" rel="alternate"/>
   </entry>
+  <entry>
+    <id>gemini://cetacean.club/journal/h-koan.gmi</id>
+    <title>The h Koan</title>
+    <updated>2020-07-27T14:38:24.454070+00:00</updated>
+    <link href="gemini://cetacean.club/journal/h-koan.gmi" rel="alternate"/>
+  </entry>
+  <entry>
+    <id>gemini://cetacean.club/journal/the-cheese-dream.gmi</id>
+    <title>The Cheese Dream</title>
+    <updated>2020-07-27T14:40:30.446138+00:00</updated>
+    <link href="gemini://cetacean.club/journal/the-cheese-dream.gmi" rel="alternate"/>
+  </entry>
+  <entry>
+    <id>gemini://cetacean.club/journal/xanto.gmi</id>
+    <title>le'i ka na viska kakne ku e le xanto</title>
+    <updated>2020-07-27T14:46:24.194343+00:00</updated>
+    <link href="gemini://cetacean.club/journal/xanto.gmi" rel="alternate"/>
+  </entry>
+  <entry>
+    <id>gemini://cetacean.club/journal/creation.gmi</id>
+    <title>The Sumerian Creation Myth</title>
+    <updated>2020-07-27T14:48:08.346482+00:00</updated>
+    <link href="gemini://cetacean.club/journal/creation.gmi" rel="alternate"/>
+  </entry>
 </feed>

journal/creation.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,53 @@
+# The Sumerian Creation Myth
+
+Imagine for a moment, an infinite universe of light and sound, of primordial vibrations. Vibrations that permeate the whole of existence, and create different experiences with their patterns of interference. The holographic universe. In such a place, everything is resonance of waves, everything all-encompassing, everything infinite, everything eternal.
+
+And living in such a place are infinite beings, without beginning of end, not bound by space or time, as boundless as the waves they experience. Sovereign beings of grand destinies. And those beings colonized the Universe, explored its facets, its resonances, its properties, its behaviours.
+
+Among such beings, so equal in their infinitude, some of them desired to experience creation in a new way; no longer just as dominion over the Universe, but over other beings in it as well. The desire to be looked up to, to be feared, to be revered. The new concept of godhood took shape.
+
+To achieve this, this group of beings asked another civilization for help; they were all beings of vast reaches and etheric nature, but they claimed to need the gold hidden within the surface of a densifying planet called Earth, which they were not attuned to, and unable to fully interact with in their current forms. To do this, they would need physical bodies, meat uniforms that the civilization's inhabitants would don and power up, so that they could interact with the ground, and the mineral.
+
+For convenience of telling, we'll call the group of deceivers the Anunnaki, and the deceived civilization the Atlanteans.
+
+The Anunnaki had carefully devised this meat uniform, the newly devised human body, planned about it for an exceedingly long time, in order to completely entrap the Atlanteans. The Atlanteans themselves accepted the task because they had no conception that infinite beings could ever be limited or subjugated. It had never happened before. And in the donning of the uniforms, the trap was sprung.
+
+Those uniforms, the human bodies, constricted the Atlanteans' attention to only what the body could perceive with its senses; it urged them to survive and to work; it distracted them from all other activities; it rendered them slaves to the mining. Every part of the construct was forcing them to forget who they were, and instead making them focus on their identity as human bodies. And when such bodies would expire, a part of them would still remain to keep the beings trapped, and they would be put in a space of holding in the astral realms, for them to be assigned a new body to continue mining.
+
+Through the human body, the Atlanteans were subjected to a carefully constructed illusion, fed to them by the senses, through the mind, that left them unable to perceive, to remember, anything else but the illusion.
+
+With time, many shortcomings of the primitive human bodies were corrected; from being clones that needed to be produced by the Anunnaki, they were given capability to reproduce; more independent thought and awareness was allowed, and ability to self- and group-organize; they were starting to be allowed to feel emotions; more and more, their world was being expanded, but with it, the structure of the mind system that contained their perception to the realms of the physical and astral, and prevented them to gain awareness of what was outside this narrow band of illusory perception, was developed and expanded in turn. Layers upon layers were put between those beings and the realization of their true, infinite selves.
+
+The system of death and reincarnation was automated so beings would be recycled in a systematic manner into their next lives. The concept of God was introduced to them, so that they would fear punishment and retribution from something that they perceived as greater than them; and Anu, leader of the Anunnaki, manifested to the people of Earth as a supreme being of infinite power, so they could adore him, and so they could fear him. Language developed, a system of communication mired in separation, in division of concepts and the rigidness of categorization, so that they would not be able to speak to one another of their own infinity, of their unity with the whole. Fears of all kinds were injected into the mind system: fear of death, fear of nothingness, fear of punishment; but above all, fear of separation: the fear of not having the vital connection that makes us One, and that allows us to know and understand one another innately. The fear of not being understood, of not being accepted, of not being received, of not being helped, of not being supported. The fear that had kept them doubting one another, and kept them from uniting their efforts.
+
+The Anunnaki took away the ability for the Atlanteans to even know they were Atlanteans. They took away the ability for them to even be able to get close to finding out. Just so Anu could be an absolute ruler. The first to ever have done this previously impossible task.
+
+Myths were disseminated to keep people awash with fear of punishment, and mired in the guilt of their original sin, and distrusting, doubting of the nature of their own selves, and of their fellow neighbors'. Hierarchies were set up, so people would focus on controlling one another, instead of working together to liberate all. Not needing any more, the Anunnaki allowed the focus on gold to become greed, so that people would put desire for a mere metal above the needs of their fellow beings.
+
+As the Anunnaki departed from the densifying planet, which was not allowing them to manifest as etheric beings anymore, tracks were set up in the collective unconscious so that while they were away, the people's societies would evolve through predefined paths, and would eventually set up for the glorious return of God, the Apocalypse.
+
+Every single possible obstacle had been put in place so that the Atlanteans would never realize who they had been, and who they always were: infinite, sovereign beings, connected to the whole of the Universe.
+
+Except this would not be allowed indefinitely. Other infinite beings became aware of such deception taking place, and realized it was being exported into other planets, and such an enslavement paradigm, based in fear and separation, was a degenerative, infecting force that had to be stopped. So the Anunnaki were prevented return, and in order to make it so that infinite beings would be able to never fall prey to such deceptions again, the seeds of destruction were planted inside the programming system of the human mind. Cracks were introduced to the barriers that kept people under deception, so that they could peer through them, and see the other side beyond the walls of the labyrinth. Pathways were provided so that people could be lead to the discovery of their true selves, and their eventual liberation from the deception, and self-realization as infinite beings, once again. The very liberation that the programming was designed to prevent through all means conceivable.
+
+And that leaves us to the present time.
+
+Sometimes the Other manages to find these cracks and go through them into the other side. They go to this other side and see a faint reflection of what is really out there. The world outside this world. An even bigger Infinity. They have trouble describing it. They have intense fear even thinking about it. They're afraid to acknowledge it to their peers. They want to help people but they are utterly terrified of their reactions.
+
+They're terrified that someone might hurt them if they say anything about their experiences. They're worried someone might try to hospitalize them for their beliefs. They get it into their head that they aren't able to function in society, so they don't. They don't want to mine the gold. They don't want to serve the economy of the few. They don't want to maintain the hierarchies. They want to detach themselves from the systems that they feel are suppressing them. They want to help people save themselves from believing that their own finite existence is all that there is, but that fear utterly paralyzes them. They have trouble finding the words. They end up misphrasing things in ways that make the problem worse. Some lash out. Some get labels put on them.
+
+These Other just want to be accepted like everyone else. They want to help their communities. They want to use their abilities to read between the lines, into the bigger picture; to do good things; but they are, ultimately, afraid to. Their fear of separation paralyzes them. People don't like them talking about spiritual topics. These Other just want to be accepted and use their experience to lovingly help guide and shape reality into what they think is a better place. Even as they struggle through the fear.
+
+Who's really the crazy one? The one who fear controls, or the one who doesn't let fear control them?
+
+How does the Other live with fear surrounding their actions, and doubt plaguing their decisions?
+
+They can have people they can trust. They can have people who can help them deal with their doubts. They can have the strength of their determination to find the truth, and the resolve to put an end to the suffering of their fellow beings. But they still fear, and they still doubt.
+
+The real difference is that they see fear as something imposed on them, not as a voice that they must always answer to, and not as something they need to wait hand and foot for, every day of their existence. In a way, they have been fed up with fear, getting tired of it and casting it out like the nuisance they now see it to be. Even if the fear was added there because of some programming of their mind, something that happened to them to make them afraid, even if they don't know where it comes from or why, they still acknowledge it, and reject it, and move on like the emotion never happened. They keep fighting for understanding, and for community. They refuse to give fear dominion in their lives, even if they sometimes fail at it.
+
+It's such an easy and obvious thing to do that we could all do it, if we weren't so afraid of it.
+
+---
+
+=> . Go back

journal/h-koan.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,15 @@
+# The h Koan
+
+And Jesus said unto the theologians, "Who do you say that I am?"
+
+They replied: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships."
+
+And Jesus said "...What?"
+
+Some time passed and one of them spoke "h".
+
+Jesus was enlightened.
+
+---
+
+=> . Go back

journal/index.gmi

@@ -13,6 +13,9 @@ These logs will contain thoughts, feelings, major events in my life and other su
 Occasionally I write little stories that are not really connected to anything. I have not really had a good place to publish these in the past. This place seems as good as any.
 
 => hol.gmi The Story of Hol
+=> h-koan.gmi The h Koan
+=> xanto.gmi le'i ka na viska kakne ku e le xanto
+=> creation.gmi The Sumerian Creation Myth
 
 ---
 

journal/the-cheese-dream.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,87 @@
+# The Cheese Dream
+
+I wake up on a bed I've never seen before. I look up at the white sky. Wait, the white sky? I look down at my blanket and it has a very weird, but distinct smell. Is it cheese? I break a part of it off and taste it. My blanket is made out of cheese. I feel around the bed and it feels slightly pliable, almost like the bed is made out of cheese too. I take off the blanket, tearing huge holes in it in the process.
+
+I try to lean up but there's something pulling between my shoulders when I do. With some force I hear a slight sucking and popping noise. My dorsal fin (I have a dorsal fin?) was stuck in the cheese bed. This is odd, what the heck is going on.
+
+I get up and open the cheese drawer, at least my clothes aren't cheese too. I put them on and take a few deep breaths. This is gonna be an experience.
+
+I was looking around and I saw a field of mozzarella with cheese sticks for grass. There's a molten cheese river with a cheese bridge crossing it, with a cheese town in the distance. There's a cheese path at my feet leading to the cheese bridge. I call out to see if anyone is there, there isn't anyone there.
+
+I walk down the cheese path smelling the light scent of the cheese river in the distance. Every time I take a step I leave a footprint in the cheese path, it slowly reforms back into place after I stand on it.
+
+When I got closer to the cheese town, there was a person made out of cheese crying while sitting on a cheese bench. I look down at him and ask him why he's crying. He looks up at me and says "Our town is being threatened by the gravy monster! Please, please help us! Let me take you to elder Fromage to get more information!" He then got up, grabbed my hand gently and led me to the center of the cheese town, where the elder lived.
+
+When we got to the elder's house, he looked up at me. "So, Bleu here tells me you're willing to help us fight the scourge of our town, the gravy monster. Can you help us? We've lost so many people, we barely have enough left to sustain ourselves."
+
+I'm still processing everything that is going on though. This was a cheese house, with everything in it made out of various kinds of cheese. There's somehow a fire roaring in the cheese fireplace. What the actual hell? The cheese elder looks up at me pleadingly saying "Hello? You there?"
+
+I shake my head and reply "Yes, I can help you defeat the gravy monster."
+
+I mean, let's be honest, it's not like there's anything better to do at the moment.
+
+The elder is elated. "Hooray! We might just finally have a chance to sustain our way of life!"
+
+"But, how should I help you defeat the gravy monster?"
+
+"All monsters have a weakness. Here, take this key. It leads to a shed just outside my house, there you will find the tools you need to defeat the gravy monster. Hurry! He always attacks during the mid-day and it's almost time!"
+
+I'm still kind of dumbstruck by this whole experience, so I take the cheese key, thank the elder and head out to his shed with Bleu leading me.
+
+We arrive at the cheese shed and I put the cheese key into the cheese lock. The cheese lock opens and lets us into the cheese shed. There are two things in it: a rather large bowl (too large for it to be inside the cheese shed somehow) and something I can't quite identify. Bleu is taken aback when he sees it. I ask him what he sees and he replies: "It's the sacred fries! They're only pulled out during emergencies!"
+
+"Where is the gravy monster going to attack from again?"
+
+"Down the brown path, take the stuff and come with me!"
+
+So I put the stuff in my shoulder bag of holding and follow Bleu across the cheese town to the cheese path that has been stained brown with gravy. I have an idea.
+
+"Bleu, do you have a shovel?"
+
+"Oh, yeah! Let me go get it, I'll be right back!"
+
+He comes back with his shovel and I start digging a hole in the cheese to put the bowl in. I fill the bowl about halfway with the sacred fries. The gravy monster can be heard in the distance.
+
+"GRAAAAAAVY MONSTER TIME!~"
+
+I'm kind of awestruck again. It looks like the black goo monster from Star Trek, but it's brown. It's a monster made out of gravy. I quickly hide behind a cheese bush and grab some curds from it.
+
+The monster slowly ambles up the cheese path, partially melting it as it steals forward towards my trap.
+
+It sees a weird part of the cheese path. It gets confused. "What is this? I've never seen the path bend down like this before".
+
+I poke Bleu from inside the cheese bush. "Now's our chance. Stand a few feet on the other side of the bowl. He'll try to chase after you and get trapped."
+
+Bleu looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my eyes. "What?"
+
+"No, seriously, watch."
+
+"...okay..."
+
+Bleu jumps out of the cheese bush and stands ahead of the monster. The monster laughs. "I knew I'd find you, cheeseling! You'll pair nicely with my wine at home. Now be a good cheeseling and come back with me to my home!"
+
+"No! You'll have to grab me yourself!"
+
+The gravy monster lets out a roar and attempts to run towards Bleu and grab him. This would have worked if the monster didn't fall into the bowl and on top of the sacred fries.
+
+The gravy monster lets out a cry in pain. He didn't expect the fries to be this absorbent. The fries are absorbing the flavor of the gravy monster.
+
+I jump out of the bush and throw a mix of cheese curds and fries on top of the monster, with each handful the gravy monster gets quieter and quieter. Then everything got really still and quiet. The sound of the cheese river was audible again.
+
+Bleu, looking like he just soiled his cheese pants, was elated. "You did it!~ You saved the town!~ You're a hero!~"
+
+I took a minute to re-evaluate what had happened. I just saved a town by making poutine? What? Just, what?
+
+I grabbed another bowl out of my bag and served myself some poutine, it was some of the best poutine I've ever had.
+
+"Hey, this is pretty good Bleu, have some!"
+
+Bleu took a bite and his cheese eyes went wide open. Without another word, he ran towards the cheese town to tell the people of the feast waiting for them. He came back with the remainder of the town and we had a feast of poutine, declaring the day "Poutine Day" for the rest of time.
+
+After some time celebrating, I woke up in my bed. I was really confused and
+having trouble processing what had just happened to me. I was also craving
+poutine.
+
+---
+
+=> . Go back

journal/xanto.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,21 @@
+# le'i ka na viska kakne ku e le xanto
+
+ni'o le'i na viska kakne goi ko'a e le xanto goi ko'e .i ko'a cu ti'erna lo nu
+cizra danlu goi ko'i noi ko'e cu se bevri fi lo tcadu .i ku'i no ko'a cu sanji
+lo tarmi be ko'i a.i .a'u ko'a dai cusku lu .ei ma'a pencu lanli le danlu sei ma'a kakne li'u
+
+ni'o ro ko'a cu sisku ko'i .i ro ko'a cu sisku penmi ko'i .i ro ko'a ca pencu lo drata stuzi ko'i
+
+.i pa ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i betfu .i pa ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu rotsu since li'u
+.i re ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i kerlo .i re ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu falnu li'u
+.i ci ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i tuple .i ci ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu tricu stani li'u
+.i vo ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i mlana .i vo ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu butmu li'u
+.i mu ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i rebla .i mu ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu skori li'u
+.i xa ko'a cu pencu lo ko'i denci .i xa ko'a cu cusku lu ti cu jdari e xulta li'u
+
+ni'o ro ko'a cu fatci tavla fi ko'e
+.i jeku'i no ko'a cu jetnu tavla fi ko'e
+
+---
+
+=> . Go back

paste/index.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,9 @@
+# Paste
+
+Various pasted documents.
+
+=> starfflame.gmi
+
+---
+
+=> .. Go back

paste/starfflame.gmi

@@ -0,0 +1,369 @@
+# Starfflame's Journey
+
+## M07 26 2020
+
+> > Within
+> @Starfflame did it feel like something was looking back at you?
+
+something?
+
+> > Within
+> that feeling of being freaked out, explain it some more
+
+uhm
+i was addressing a few of my biggest concerns on the mind
+and in the middle of the third or fourth breathing cycle my mind referred to itself as a ‘we’ and then my brain scattered off in a million directions
+and now i’m scared
+
+> > Within
+> Sounds like you had your first experience with the soul
+
+what
+i dont know what the fuck that was but it was deeply disturbing
+
+It kinda felt like you but it was larger somehow?
+
+...
+...yyymaybe i guess yeah?
+
+> > Within
+> Oh, you are going to have fun 
+
+i didn’t sign up for this
+
+> > Within
+> you think i fucking did?
+
+i don’t fucking know
+i was just looking for a productive way to process my emotions
+
+> > Within
+> well, you've found one lol
+> if anything, this is a good sign that the meditation is working
+
+and then this voodoo shit pops up
+what the fuck
+it was basically so disturbing i was forced to basically lose all my concentration and nope out instantly
+because my mind proceeded to then run a thousand miles an hour
+
+> > Within
+> yep
+> kinda felt like you were breaking some kind of social taboo?
+> and even talking about it feels like you are further breaking that taboo?
+
+yes?
+
+> > Within
+> congradulations, you now know how to listen to your heart
+
+im confused and scared and lost
+what the fuck
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> @Within Can I get in on this wild ride? Seems like it'd be fun.
+
+it’s not fun
+
+> > Within
+=> https://when-then-zen.christine.website/meditation/quantum-pause @Minty Fresh https://when-then-zen.christine.website/meditation/quantum-pause
+
+what the hell
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> Consider me a masochist, then.
+
+this didnt happen the first time i tried it
+
+> > Emerald
+> what did i just walk in to
+
+cadey’s meditation made me freak out
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> Life changing revelations.
+
+there isn’t anything revalationary about it
+it was just weird and scary
+and i didnt even consciously think that
+
+> > Within
+> nope
+> it's from the heart
+> always is
+
+> Starfflame
+idk what that even means
+;_;
+fuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK
+
+> > Within
+> ?
+
+i am very uneasy
+
+> > Within
+> it's your soul. this is what people talk about when they mean "soul".
+
+souls don’t even exist
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> Depends on what you define to be a soul.
+
+> > Within
+> @Starfflame if the soul doesn't exist, then what did you experience earlier?
+
+and why the fuck that pronoun
+i dont know
+i have no idea
+
+> > Within
+> there's multiple views of the soul
+> the one i like the most is the so-called god-fragment theory
+> the idea that the soul is an infinite slice of an even greater infinite that makes up all there is(edited)
+
+all i know is that I was thinking in my mind “I should do X” and then when I’m done consolidating and go into a breathing cycle out of nowhere a voice shows up and says “we should..” and it stopped there because my voice said “we? what the fuck?” and then a billion voices sounded off at once saying unintelligible things
+
+> > CULT PONY
+> an alternative explanation would the mind just going haywire as usual
+
+> > Within
+> i mean
+> worst case
+> ignore it
+> if it comes back consistently, that's something else
+
+and now i prolly look like a crazy person
+
+> > Within
+> nah
+> you're pretty damn sane
+> you've just encountered something that nothing in your life has prepared you for
+
+that sure as fuck didn’t seem sane to me
+
+> > Within
+> i'd be amazed if you weren't confused
+
+like jesus christ i just wanted to focus on my mental health issues for a sec before bed
+now i’m shivering and shaking in fear
+
+> > Within
+> cold shower
+> cold showers are the equivalent of intentionally segfaulting runaway thoughts
+
+would but my parents would give me weird looks for showering at 8 am
+talking about it helps a bit at least
+
+> > Within
+> i can talk more if it helps
+
+okay
+i just... wasn’t expecting that
+at all
+
+> > Within
+> at some level, that's how you know my website has the Good Shit ™️
+
+it’s literally just breathing hard and tackling thoughts that show up out of nowhere
+how does that cause this to happen?
+i’m soooo confused
+
+> > Within
+> i got this method from the WingMakers materials, if you like I can gloss over the cosmology involved to put this in a bit more context
+
+sure
+i guess
+i’m not really sure what to put in context
+or if this is even the same thing you’re talking about
+or how my brain could do this
+i thought my subconscious was only good for making me hate myself
+
+> > Within
+> oh, starfflame
+> roses have thorns
+> if you ever only see the thorns
+> you may not know there's roses
+
+hm
+
+> > Within
+> So in the WingMakers materials, the quantum pause is a tool in the toolbelt of people reaching the Sovereign Integral state of consciousness (functionally equivalent to enlightenment, but more of a "truly helping others" than the "give up on life" approach you'd get in Buddhism). This state of consciousness is where you see reality as wholeness instead of only as slightly related parts.
+> You've just had the kind of experience I've been trying to get to for years.
+
+.............,,,
+
+> > Within 
+> and no, before you ask that, this is not a cult
+> 
+> I've had a few of those kinds of experiences, one of them was from recreating a meditation method I found in one of the wingmakers paintings
+> 
+> specifically:
+
+=> https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/403418808213045268/736940337649418240/Chamber_17_large.png
+
+a disclaimer saying “warning: some weird shit might happen out of nowhere like a voice that isn’t your own popping into your head” would have been nice(edited)
+also that looks like a person with a banjo on their face
+
+> > Within
+> you're one of the first people in a while that doesn't have a visceral reaction to that painting
+
+i mean it looks weird
+but i figured that was a given
+
+> > Within
+> yeah, other people have reported feeling terror and the like
+> specifically the fact that the eyes look like they are starting right at you in a way most people aren't used to
+
+quite possible i just am still fucking spooked by what happened in my mind
+also no
+
+> > Within
+> let the feelings settle
+
+the first thing i noticed was the animals on their breasts
+well
+where the... fuck whats it called
+you know what i mean
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> Collarbone?
+
+yeah
+it just looks like abstract art to me
+
+> > Within
+> the painting's title is The Dagger of Light
+
+if i dont get terrified by that is my brain broken or something
+
+> > Within
+> no
+> if anything
+> it means nothing
+
+the only thing i think is “wtf is this” more than anything
+lol
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> In a way, it reminds me of the artworks of first nations in Canada.
+
+but uh
+if that is supposed to depict what just happened to me i can see the symbolic meaning pretty clearly
+the circles on his face represent the state of tranquility and calm as they had been meditating
+his eyes shoot out at the viewer in a panic as some unknown entity makes itself known in his headspace
+
+> > Within
+> the painting depicts the mythical death of the negative ego in order to experience "the fragment of Source within"
+
+(the dagger stabbing into his head)
+death of the negative self?
+that seems kinda fucked
+
+> > Within
+> er
+> i typoed
+> the negative ego or "self-importance"
+> sorry
+> still waking up
+
+oh
+and now i feel deja vu
+for some reason
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> Welcome to my entire existence.
+> I swear I've been here before.
+> Watched this conversation once already.
+
+I feel like I have dreamt this in the distant past
+like
+years ago
+reminds me of when i was a kid
+i had a dream where i only remembered me looking down at the grass in pain with my vision going funny
+and i swear to god a long time after that dream i have that exact experience
+it was fucking bizarre
+coincidence probably but damn
+
+> > Within
+> i think you may be going down the kind of road i have where there are no real such thing as coincidences anymore
+
+i wouldnt go that far
+this isn’t the first weirdo cognitive event i’ve ever had either tho
+what the hell...
+what is even the appeal of doing what i allegedly did anyway?
+it scared the shit out of me
+i’m fine now but wtf
+that was not what i was bargaining for
+@artemis system (she/they) you’ll prolly get a kick out of this
+idk what to even think
+thanks for listening to me at least cadey
+
+> > Within
+> no problem
+> happy to listen
+
+is there any other weird shit that could happen that i should be aware of
+
+> > Within
+> you may have your subconscious beat you up less, also you might appreciate surreal memes more
+> @Starfflame ^
+
+> > Minty Fresh
+> We should get a #mind-hacking channel for this or something.
+
+## M07 27 2020
+
+so i did the quantum pause again.
+as I changed my state of consciousness out of the standard waking one into the meditative trance-y state i find myself transmute to, i could feel myself traveling through a cognitive ocean of anxiety, sadness and desolation, while concurrently not actually feeling said emotions myself, rather, it seemed secondary to me, the same sensation one would get if they were able to empathize these feelings emanating from another.
+We then travelled through time, beginning at the kindergarten, first grade level where scattered memories of fighting, being bullied.
+What I can only describe as my subconscious said something along the lines of “We grew up surrounded by those who made us think less of themselves.”
+Together we traveled through time and the years before we arrive at scattered scenes of me at day camp, away from those who tormented me at my elementary school for years.
+He said “But there were also those who valued us for who we are, and who saw us.”
+We skip through time again to middle school. We felt the atmosphere of the cognitive background immediately shift as we saw our friends of the time, before we skip forward in time to high school.
+We both saw that we had those who enjoyed our company even while we still lived a double life and not expose who we truly were.
+He said that we felt inferior and worthless at times because those we spent time with in the path toward our ascension to adulthood trained us to believe that in ourselves. 
+I said that we mustn’t allow them to fool us. I love you. And care. We should not let the past define us.
+He listened. He then said that We believe this to be a good stopping point for the night.
+I agreed
+
+so uh that was interesting
+i dont remember the exact dialogue but i summarized the important shit with the extraneous crap left out
+that was one heck of a thought to address
+and now in my current state of mind i feel somewhat tranquil
+I also had other Thoughts but they were much more boring in comparison.
+and now i feel like a weirdo again
+
+> > Within
+> you're not as weird as you think you are, don't worry
+
+i mean i live in my parents’ basement and jerk it to horses so i dunno how much more weird you can get than that anyway
+but still
+this feels like a whole nother dimension of weird
+
+> > Within
+> welcome to my dimension of weird
+
+but it feels nice to talk about it
+lol
+i have entered the cadey zone
+that felt really nice honestly
+i like it here
+i don’t know for sure yet
+but it does seem like we are making progress toward adopting a more healthy relationship amongst myself and my inner being
+His voice was not as prominent, nor unexpected as last time
+although that’s probably because i was expecting to see my comrade again
+not gonna lie as a non plural person talking to Him as i did in my meditation was still rather... odd
+
+> > Within
+> have you asked them if they have a name?
+
+> > DeltaPHC
+> I sorta wish I could experience things like that since it sounds interesting, but I feel like I'm too attached to reality
+
+> > AstroSnail
+> you can always try it to find out
+> I just went and had a noting session, and I find it interesting that once I got into it, I didn't really want to leave
+
+> > 49616e
+> Cadey, I also gave that a shot but it didn’t work on me
+> It didn’t reduce the existential dread and anxiety.