flight-journal/paste/starfflame.gmi

# Starfflame's Journey

This is a record of the Discord messages that Starfflame has sent in relation to their meditative journeys. I'm keeping a log of them because they seem to not be.

## M07 26 2020

> > Within
> @Starfflame did it feel like something was looking back at you?

something?

> > Within
> that feeling of being freaked out, explain it some more

uhm
i was addressing a few of my biggest concerns on the mind
and in the middle of the third or fourth breathing cycle my mind referred to itself as a ‘we’ and then my brain scattered off in a million directions
and now i’m scared

> > Within
> Sounds like you had your first experience with the soul

what
i dont know what the fuck that was but it was deeply disturbing

It kinda felt like you but it was larger somehow?

...
...yyymaybe i guess yeah?

> > Within
> Oh, you are going to have fun 

i didn’t sign up for this

> > Within
> you think i fucking did?

i don’t fucking know
i was just looking for a productive way to process my emotions

> > Within
> well, you've found one lol
> if anything, this is a good sign that the meditation is working

and then this voodoo shit pops up
what the fuck
it was basically so disturbing i was forced to basically lose all my concentration and nope out instantly
because my mind proceeded to then run a thousand miles an hour

> > Within
> yep
> kinda felt like you were breaking some kind of social taboo?
> and even talking about it feels like you are further breaking that taboo?

yes?

> > Within
> congradulations, you now know how to listen to your heart

im confused and scared and lost
what the fuck

> > Minty Fresh
> @Within Can I get in on this wild ride? Seems like it'd be fun.

it’s not fun

> > Within
=> https://when-then-zen.christine.website/meditation/quantum-pause @Minty Fresh https://when-then-zen.christine.website/meditation/quantum-pause

what the hell

> > Minty Fresh
> Consider me a masochist, then.

this didnt happen the first time i tried it

> > Emerald
> what did i just walk in to

cadey’s meditation made me freak out

> > Minty Fresh
> Life changing revelations.

there isn’t anything revalationary about it
it was just weird and scary
and i didnt even consciously think that

> > Within
> nope
> it's from the heart
> always is

> Starfflame
idk what that even means
;_;
fuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK

> > Within
> ?

i am very uneasy

> > Within
> it's your soul. this is what people talk about when they mean "soul".

souls don’t even exist

> > Minty Fresh
> Depends on what you define to be a soul.

> > Within
> @Starfflame if the soul doesn't exist, then what did you experience earlier?

and why the fuck that pronoun
i dont know
i have no idea

> > Within
> there's multiple views of the soul
> the one i like the most is the so-called god-fragment theory
> the idea that the soul is an infinite slice of an even greater infinite that makes up all there is(edited)

all i know is that I was thinking in my mind “I should do X” and then when I’m done consolidating and go into a breathing cycle out of nowhere a voice shows up and says “we should..” and it stopped there because my voice said “we? what the fuck?” and then a billion voices sounded off at once saying unintelligible things

> > CULT PONY
> an alternative explanation would the mind just going haywire as usual

> > Within
> i mean
> worst case
> ignore it
> if it comes back consistently, that's something else

and now i prolly look like a crazy person

> > Within
> nah
> you're pretty damn sane
> you've just encountered something that nothing in your life has prepared you for

that sure as fuck didn’t seem sane to me

> > Within
> i'd be amazed if you weren't confused

like jesus christ i just wanted to focus on my mental health issues for a sec before bed
now i’m shivering and shaking in fear

> > Within
> cold shower
> cold showers are the equivalent of intentionally segfaulting runaway thoughts

would but my parents would give me weird looks for showering at 8 am
talking about it helps a bit at least

> > Within
> i can talk more if it helps

okay
i just... wasn’t expecting that
at all

> > Within
> at some level, that's how you know my website has the Good Shit ™️

it’s literally just breathing hard and tackling thoughts that show up out of nowhere
how does that cause this to happen?
i’m soooo confused

> > Within
> i got this method from the WingMakers materials, if you like I can gloss over the cosmology involved to put this in a bit more context

sure
i guess
i’m not really sure what to put in context
or if this is even the same thing you’re talking about
or how my brain could do this
i thought my subconscious was only good for making me hate myself

> > Within
> oh, starfflame
> roses have thorns
> if you ever only see the thorns
> you may not know there's roses

hm

> > Within
> So in the WingMakers materials, the quantum pause is a tool in the toolbelt of people reaching the Sovereign Integral state of consciousness (functionally equivalent to enlightenment, but more of a "truly helping others" than the "give up on life" approach you'd get in Buddhism). This state of consciousness is where you see reality as wholeness instead of only as slightly related parts.
> You've just had the kind of experience I've been trying to get to for years.

.............,,,

> > Within 
> and no, before you ask that, this is not a cult
> 
> I've had a few of those kinds of experiences, one of them was from recreating a meditation method I found in one of the wingmakers paintings
> 
> specifically:

=> https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/403418808213045268/736940337649418240/Chamber_17_large.png

a disclaimer saying “warning: some weird shit might happen out of nowhere like a voice that isn’t your own popping into your head” would have been nice(edited)
also that looks like a person with a banjo on their face

> > Within
> you're one of the first people in a while that doesn't have a visceral reaction to that painting

i mean it looks weird
but i figured that was a given

> > Within
> yeah, other people have reported feeling terror and the like
> specifically the fact that the eyes look like they are starting right at you in a way most people aren't used to

quite possible i just am still fucking spooked by what happened in my mind
also no

> > Within
> let the feelings settle

the first thing i noticed was the animals on their breasts
well
where the... fuck whats it called
you know what i mean

> > Minty Fresh
> Collarbone?

yeah
it just looks like abstract art to me

> > Within
> the painting's title is The Dagger of Light

if i dont get terrified by that is my brain broken or something

> > Within
> no
> if anything
> it means nothing

the only thing i think is “wtf is this” more than anything
lol

> > Minty Fresh
> In a way, it reminds me of the artworks of first nations in Canada.

but uh
if that is supposed to depict what just happened to me i can see the symbolic meaning pretty clearly
the circles on his face represent the state of tranquility and calm as they had been meditating
his eyes shoot out at the viewer in a panic as some unknown entity makes itself known in his headspace

> > Within
> the painting depicts the mythical death of the negative ego in order to experience "the fragment of Source within"

(the dagger stabbing into his head)
death of the negative self?
that seems kinda fucked

> > Within
> er
> i typoed
> the negative ego or "self-importance"
> sorry
> still waking up

oh
and now i feel deja vu
for some reason

> > Minty Fresh
> Welcome to my entire existence.
> I swear I've been here before.
> Watched this conversation once already.

I feel like I have dreamt this in the distant past
like
years ago
reminds me of when i was a kid
i had a dream where i only remembered me looking down at the grass in pain with my vision going funny
and i swear to god a long time after that dream i have that exact experience
it was fucking bizarre
coincidence probably but damn

> > Within
> i think you may be going down the kind of road i have where there are no real such thing as coincidences anymore

i wouldnt go that far
this isn’t the first weirdo cognitive event i’ve ever had either tho
what the hell...
what is even the appeal of doing what i allegedly did anyway?
it scared the shit out of me
i’m fine now but wtf
that was not what i was bargaining for
@artemis system (she/they) you’ll prolly get a kick out of this
idk what to even think
thanks for listening to me at least cadey

> > Within
> no problem
> happy to listen

is there any other weird shit that could happen that i should be aware of

> > Within
> you may have your subconscious beat you up less, also you might appreciate surreal memes more
> @Starfflame ^

> > Minty Fresh
> We should get a #mind-hacking channel for this or something.

## M07 27 2020

so i did the quantum pause again.
as I changed my state of consciousness out of the standard waking one into the meditative trance-y state i find myself transmute to, i could feel myself traveling through a cognitive ocean of anxiety, sadness and desolation, while concurrently not actually feeling said emotions myself, rather, it seemed secondary to me, the same sensation one would get if they were able to empathize these feelings emanating from another.
We then travelled through time, beginning at the kindergarten, first grade level where scattered memories of fighting, being bullied.
What I can only describe as my subconscious said something along the lines of “We grew up surrounded by those who made us think less of themselves.”
Together we traveled through time and the years before we arrive at scattered scenes of me at day camp, away from those who tormented me at my elementary school for years.
He said “But there were also those who valued us for who we are, and who saw us.”
We skip through time again to middle school. We felt the atmosphere of the cognitive background immediately shift as we saw our friends of the time, before we skip forward in time to high school.
We both saw that we had those who enjoyed our company even while we still lived a double life and not expose who we truly were.
He said that we felt inferior and worthless at times because those we spent time with in the path toward our ascension to adulthood trained us to believe that in ourselves. 
I said that we mustn’t allow them to fool us. I love you. And care. We should not let the past define us.
He listened. He then said that We believe this to be a good stopping point for the night.
I agreed

so uh that was interesting
i dont remember the exact dialogue but i summarized the important shit with the extraneous crap left out
that was one heck of a thought to address
and now in my current state of mind i feel somewhat tranquil
I also had other Thoughts but they were much more boring in comparison.
and now i feel like a weirdo again

> > Within
> you're not as weird as you think you are, don't worry

i mean i live in my parents’ basement and jerk it to horses so i dunno how much more weird you can get than that anyway
but still
this feels like a whole nother dimension of weird

> > Within
> welcome to my dimension of weird

but it feels nice to talk about it
lol
i have entered the cadey zone
that felt really nice honestly
i like it here
i don’t know for sure yet
but it does seem like we are making progress toward adopting a more healthy relationship amongst myself and my inner being
His voice was not as prominent, nor unexpected as last time
although that’s probably because i was expecting to see my comrade again
not gonna lie as a non plural person talking to Him as i did in my meditation was still rather... odd

> > Within
> have you asked them if they have a name?

> > DeltaPHC
> I sorta wish I could experience things like that since it sounds interesting, but I feel like I'm too attached to reality

> > AstroSnail
> you can always try it to find out
> I just went and had a noting session, and I find it interesting that once I got into it, I didn't really want to leave

> > 49616e
> Cadey, I also gave that a shot but it didn’t work on me
> It didn’t reduce the existential dread and anxiety.

## M07 28 2020

:thonk:
should i try meditating again

> > Within
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=958qchBNs60&feature=youtu.be

=> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=958qchBNs60&feature=youtu.be The Heart Sutra

> The Heart Sutra has such a beautiful structure
>
> Listen Sariputra,
> this Body itself is Emptiness
> and Emptiness itself is this Body.
> This Body is not other than Emptiness
> and Emptiness is not other than this Body.
> The same is true of Feelings,
> Perceptions, Mental Formations and Consciousness.
> 
> Listen Sariputra,
> All phenomena bear the mark of Emptiness;
> their true nature is the nature of
> no Birth no Death,
> no Being no Non-being,
> no Defilement no Purity,
> no Increasing no Decreasing.
> 
> That is why in Emptiness,
> Body, Feelings, Perceptions,
> Mental Formations and consciousness
> are not separate self entities.

i wonder what crazy adventures my brain will take me on this time

> > Within
> living the dream :D

i’m not sure what i did but the past two or three days have been great
i can’t remember the last time i’ve felt... not unhappy before now.
it’s great
here we go

Well then.
@Within my brain did weird things again
Not bad per se but definitely unusual
this requires a bit of context
pretty much my entire life I engaged in self-harm (blunt force trauma stuff) in response to what i perceived to be severe failures or just in response to intense self-loathing spikes
So.
Pretty quick after I started meditating I had visions of myself doing that kind of stuff to myself, and the feeling of hitting yourself that feels good as well, before the voice from the past two nights said “You keep beating yourself but the problems never went away”
He repeated this general cycle for a few minutes before a new comrade showed up with a higher pitched voice and said “We can’t keep doing this, Star” (replace star with real name)
Minor variations of this went on for a very long time as my conscious mind replied “no, we probably should figure out a way to stop before we kill ourselves”

so
now i have no idea why i have comrade #1 and comrade #2
oh god
i broke something didn't i

> > Within
> i'd say you're fixing it tbh
> i'd suggest starting a journal of some kind for these kinds of revelations

why is there comrade number two now

eh who cares

> > Within
> that's the spirit

> > Bootstrap
> no thats the starfflame

as far as i can tell they seem to be extensions of my mind as opposed to distinct consciousnesses
so i think i’m fine
i think.

> > Within
> sounds like your higher self

the thing that scared me originally was i thought i somehow made myself plural
because if that happened that would be a Very Big Problem

> > Within
> why?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
because i don’t want it?

> > Within
> fair

that doesn’t really answer the heart of the question though
to be fair
i just said the same thing in a different way
to someone who is not plural having multiple personalities or consciousnesses or whatever is incredibly offputting
in addition it would cause a lot of problems
and in general make my life a lot harder
i would rather not replace depression with that
and they called me by my name

i never mentally call myself by my own name
fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
nope
nuh uh

> > Within
> breathe

breathing is what got me into this in the first place

> > Mai
> you'll be fine

nnnnnnnnnhhhhhh

;_;
what is wrong with me

> > Within
> less than you think

fuck this i’m passing out

> > Within
> be well, Creator

wuh

> > Bootstrap
> is cadey a tulpa that was sent back in time to ensure her own creation
> terminator shit right there

## M07 29 2020

my job anxiety is back

was doing well for a while until my mom asked me if i was depressed
and i guess that made my brain think maybe it should feel depressed
sigh...
i probably should meditate but now i’m too scared to
crash time

> > Within
> @Starfflame you're yourself

huh?
@Within wdym?

> > Within
> you'll see

> > Emerald
> i'm not myself
> muahahaa

i wish i wasn’t myself. :lpsad:
also how will i see that
i always see that
i’m me

> > Within
> you can always ask the comrades
> no ceremony required

fuck the comrades

> > Within
> uwu?

i am not plural

> > Emerald
> yeah but you are yourself
> so why not make the most of it

trying
@Within they’re not like people i can have a conversation with

> > Within
> how do you know?

...
because they’re extensions of my own consciousness
you’re literally just asking me to talk to myself

> > Within
> so you can't metaphorically talk to them by directing thoughts or ideas at that part of yourself?

i don’t want to

> > Within
> fair

because if i actually were to do that then
i dont see that turning out well for me
great now i’m anxious about not finding a job and anxious about my brain splitting in half
this is great
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
cadey i don’t want this
how do i make it stop
;_;

> > Within
> cold shower

i’ve calmed down a bit
i thought this was supposed to help me,  not create more problems
what the fuck