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i forgive me 

Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill <me@christine.website>
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---
title: I Forgive Me
date: 2021-08-22
---
I took a shower. These words came to me while I was analyzing my life during the
shower. I kept them fresh in my heart and built on them while I was taking that
shower. I wrote them down here.
---
I forgive me.
Oftentimes I feel the urge to fight against myself for the things that happen in
the world around me. This has created a scenario where I am both more prone to
"failure" and deathly afraid of it. By beating myself up so consistently I have
created more harm than I was hoping to avoid by doing that in the first place. I
was spanked as a child when I did certain kinds of misbehavior. That happened.
It's in my past and it can't unhappen. I need to take care to make sure the
cycle does not continue by starting it on myself. Even if I feel like things are
a "failure". Even if other people report that it is a "failure". I remain.
I forgive me for the things that have happened. The self is shaped and molded by
the past that the self experiences, which means that the self can become an
avatar of all those who have hurt you and those you have hurt; but at the same
time it is also representative of all of those who have loved you and you have
loved in return.
I guess the beating up happens because instinctively I am expecting there to be
someone to be punished; someone to be hurt; someone to bear the weight of the
"failure". But that doesn't need to happen. People don't need to be hurt because
of "failure".
My self is the closest link I have to my past. To all the things that have hurt
me and all the things that have loved me. In doing what I have been doing, I
have created a war within myself that is only serving to sabotage me and I
cannot have this continue any longer. This does not serve me and I need to cut
it out so the things that do serve me can remain.
I need to be more comfortable with "failure", for "failure" is how we learn. The
road to healing trauma is a step one by one down a miles long road, but I will
take that first step, and the next; and the next; and the next; and the next;
all the way for the rest of my life.
I forgive me for beating up my closest ally. I forgive me for beating up myself.
Going forward, I will love where I hated in the past.