My Next Life as an Imaginary Bottle of Window Cleaner

Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill <me@christine.website>

blog/best-friend-imaginary-bottle-window-cleaner-2021-09-24.markdown

@@ -0,0 +1,191 @@
+---
+title: "My Next Life as an Imaginary Bottle of Window Cleaner"
+date: 2021-09-24
+author: Mai
+tags:
+ - isekai
+ - fiction
+---
+
+Today was another boring day, like all the other boring days. I was almost done
+with my commute to the office, not looking forward to spending another day
+working on the same spreadsheet. I don't believe in monsters, ghosts or spirits,
+but I do believe that thing is haunted.
+
+"Next stop is Broughton Junction, end of the line!"
+
+That was my stop. I thought I got it easy by getting an apartment right next to
+the train, but I never thought that my job would move so far away. I got up with
+the others and walked my way to the exit of the station. The crowd was lifeless
+and dead today. The usual morning rush of the station I got on the train at had
+turned into a lazy slump towards the exit.
+
+The only solace from these doldrums was the barista at the coffee shop by the
+doors. She had such a lovely smile; sometimes it was the only thing that kept me
+going. _I wonder what her name is_, I thought to myself as I breached the
+darkness of the station and was enveloped in the light of the outside world.
+Nubypool was the financial hub of the province. My work was in the Ministry of
+Accounting, taming the beast that was their spreadsheets. As I walked towards
+the entrance of the building I looked around, seeing the gray, drab skyscrapers
+around me sully the lively deep blue above them.
+
+I crossed the street and walked to the double doors, but then there was a noise.
+I looked up and saw something falling towards me, then suddenly there was a loud
+noise and everything went dark.
+
+The darkness persisted for a while, I couldn't touch, see or hear myself. I was
+alone in a silent hell with only my thoughts to break the sheer emptiness of it
+all. Suddenly, it hit me. _I'm dead, aren't I? I'm never going to get that
+barista's number, am I?_
+
+A noise filled my awareness. I couldn't recognize it, but it came with a
+friendly presence. It felt like my best friend, mother, and more all in one. I
+felt like I knew this person intimately even though we had never spoken before.
+I could pick out that there were words, but nothing usable other than that.
+
+The words stopped after a while, and that was the saddest part of the whole
+thing. I was so alone without the words, but I didn't feel like I had any
+control over when they started. They started and stopped without any indication
+of where or when they were coming from.
+
+Then they started again and I knew that I needed to capitalize on this. The
+voice was going to go away if I didn't do anything about it. All I could do was
+think, so I decided to think as loud and hard as I could. I screamed in my mind.
+I would have woke the neighbors if this was in the apartment back home. Those
+thin walls would have made the entire floor wake up. I shouted and shouted like
+my life depended on it. As I shouted and screamed the darkness started to gain
+color. There was a small pinhole of light that expanded and filled my awareness
+until it grew to everywhere I could see. _Is this reincarnation?_
+
+As if a blindfold had been lifted, I could finally get to see myself in some
+level of detail. I looked down and all I saw was a bright poster with what
+looked like words on it. I looked behind me and I saw what appeared to be a
+poster with more smaller words. I looked to the sides and saw what appeared to
+be clear plastic with a blue liquid in it.
+
+I started panicking. I didn't know what was going on. _Aren't I supposed to be
+some kind of animal? Why am I this?_
+
+The voice started again, a lot more clearly. I could pick out the words: "So
+_that's_ why they call it a 'head pressure'! Wow I don't even know how to
+describe this feeling other than that!"
+
+I looked ahead and I saw a young boy, something like 18 years old. I was in some
+kind of small apartment. There was a ritual circle of some kind, I was right in
+the middle of it. Looking around there was a pentagram made out of a white and
+blue powder, cards I've never seen before and a bottle of red liquid. There was
+a mirror to the side of me though. I took a long and detailed look at myself.
+
+I saw an orange nozzle look back at me. There was what appeared to be a handle
+under the nozzle, looking like it was screwed on top of a bottle of...
+
+_No, this can't be!_
+
+It was screwed on top of a bottle of window cleaner.
+
+"I'M A BOTTLE OF WINDOW CLEANER????"
+
+The boy in front of me winced and grunted, my shouting must have hurt him. I
+suddenly got a feeling of fear washing over me. I felt the tip of my nozzle
+screw itself shut and my self-image vanished from the mirror. Had I interrupted
+the ritual?
+
+The boy composed himself and looked down at me. "So, you're the succubus I
+summoned? What's wrong with you?"
+
+"S...succubus? I'm not a succubus, I could swear that a few days ago I was...
+well not this. I don't know what I am other than apparently..."
+
+I tried to gesture at my own body but only ended up making my handle flail about
+meaninglessly, spraying a bit of blue fluid out of my nozzle. It felt like it
+had come out of my mouth. It had no taste initially, but it left a slightly sour
+taste after a moment.
+
+"A bottle of window cleaner??"
+
+"...What. How did this happen?"
+
+"Why are you asking me? You apparently summoned me. What did you expect to get?"
+
+The boy looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. Assuming I had
+ears that were big enough for lobsters crawling out of them that is.
+
+"I...what...how...okay"
+
+There was suddenly a knock at the door. "SHIT!", the boy said to himself without
+saying it. He started scrambling around and frantically trying to clean things.
+
+He swept up the white powder and put away the playing cards, but try as he might
+he couldn't grab me to put me away. His hand phased through me like I wasn't
+there. He got up and let the other person in. It was a pizza delivery person.
+The boy handed over some money and then took the pizza and placed it on top of a
+clear spot of his desk.
+
+I suddenly found myself on top of a metal surface. I could feel something
+spinning under me and heard the soft hum of an idle fan. I had just teleported
+across the room. "W..what, why am I here?"
+
+"I didn't...know that would do anything. I thought it would be nice if you were
+on top of my computer and you just appeared there." Another knock came at the
+door. There was a female voice.
+
+"Shit, play it cool."
+
+"I don't know how I can do anything other than what I am doing now, but okay."
+
+A woman entered the room. She appeared to be in a very skimpy outfit, showing
+off her curves. She also seemed to have a pair of demonic looking wings that she
+let open in the middle of the room. The boy awkwardly made conversation with her
+for a while. I tried to get the boy's attention by spraying at him. I definitely
+got his attention. "What're you looking at, roomie? Aren't you gonna give your
+poor roomie some pizza?"
+
+I didn't think she could see me. I tried spraying more. The boy looked over at
+me angrily. "Cut it out bottle, I'll throw you out with the trash if you keep
+that up!"
+
+"What are you talking about? I'm not a bottle, I'm hungry." She walked over to
+the pizza and grabbed a slice, pushing the boy into his desk. She looked dead at
+me when she had her slice. I don't think she saw me. She turned around and
+bumped one of her wings into the boy, causing them to fall off. "Nooo! My
+costume!"
+
+"That's what you get for wearing a succubus costume in a dorm hall."
+
+She stuck her tongue out sarcastically at the boy and picked up her wing. "Okay
+sarcasm boy, you're gonna help me get this on~. If you do I may have a fun time
+planned for you~."
+
+"I know what you're planning Mike. I'm not going to bang you. We agreed that I
+wouldn't before you did this."
+
+"No fun."
+
+Her name is _Mike_? I thought about it and decided that it was better to leave
+things be.
+
+"Hey, dude, I don't really know what's going on. Where am I? Who am I? What am
+I? Are you just gonna keep me in the dark about all of this?" I tried to direct
+this to the boy with a burst of energy, spraying him to be sure I got his
+attention.
+
+He looked over at me like I was cock-blocking him. I felt myself blush and
+backed off. It looks like there would be plenty of time later to get those
+questions answered.
+
+"Hey Conner, when are you going to get into your costume? Did the ritual I gave
+you work?"
+
+"Yeah...about that..."
+
+---
+
+Elsewhere at a random cleaning product factory, it was business as usual. The
+production lines were running smoothly. The trucks of cleaner continued as
+normal and every bottle was being filled at the normal rate.
+
+A woman in a skimpy outfit suddenly appeared on the production line, causing one
+of the workers to hit the "emergency stop" button. The woman had a demonic aura
+about her. Her bewitching gaze stunned the factory floor. She got off the
+production line and walked out of the building, with that worker in tow;
+seemingly enamored with her. _This is going to be fun~_, she thought to herself.

config.dhall

@@ -53,14 +53,6 @@ let Config =
             , default = True
             , inSystem = True
             }
-          , Author::{
-            , name = "Ashe"
-            , handle = "ectamorphic"
-            , picUrl = None Text
-            , link = None Text
-            , twitter = None Text
-            , inSystem = True
-            }
           , Author::{
             , name = "Jessie"
             , handle = "Heartmender"
@@ -70,14 +62,9 @@ let Config =
             , twitter = Some "BeJustFine"
             , inSystem = True
             }
-          , Author::{
+          , Author::{ name = "Ashe", handle = "ectamorphic", inSystem = True }
-            , name = "Nicole"
+          , Author::{ name = "Nicole", handle = "Twi", inSystem = True }
-            , handle = "Twi"
+          , Author::{ name = "Mai", handle = "Mai", inSystem = True }
-            , picUrl = None Text
-            , link = None Text
-            , twitter = None Text
-            , inSystem = True
-            }
           ]
         , port = defaultPort
         , clackSet = [ "Ashlynn" ]