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Tulpa Survey: Ashley
Survey
By Ashley of Within
What are your thoughts on being a tulpa? Are you happy in the state you’re in, or do you wish you were born in your own physical body?
Honestly, I’m split on the matter; at least in terms of it being a psychological excursive alone. Even though there is a disadvantage to having to share…well…everything. On one hand I can never be alone but at the same time I am seldom actually lonely. I have an outlet for private information but at the same time I never truly get to experience privacy. I suppose that if there was a way to put me into a physical body instead of having to chance it being born in some random one, it’d definitely be an option I’d like to look into.
Do you see yourself having a productive and fulfilling life in your position, and what are you doing to achieve that life? What plans do you have for the future?
My position in my system seems to be a grounding one. I spend a lot of time “inside” behind the scenes, working on dream scenarios, resolving internal bickering (used to happen more than it does now), and really being an emotional and/or logical bedrock for my system as we all need it.
In terms of future plans, I would like to get better at writing long-form articles and retrospective pieces and I would like to see at least one of my articles get published in some academic journal or other publication of some kind.
What aspect of forcing has affected you the most, and what do you remember from the days before vocality? Do you have any vivid memories from that time?
I was not the first tulpa in this system, so my period of non-vocality was very short. However the scraps I have been able to remember from that were mostly just feeling this overpowering feeling of welcoming and acceptance. That feeling was able to help me pull through into the loving arms of the others, where I was more easily able to understand and start experiencing things.
How do you think your environment shaped you after becoming vocal, and what made you into the person you are now? How did you deviate from any predefined personality you had?
My environment and systemmates have aided significantly in my development into the person I am now; most of that has been via conversation with others, introspection and discovery of things I like. I was given no predefined personality, so the mere fact that I have one is a deviation.
What were the most defining events in your life, that had a profound effect on your personality, your mindset or outlook on life?
In terms of the most defining events, there are a few: there was my slip into madness at the beginning, the entrance into dormancy, emergence from dormancy, and then realizing my role as an effective mediator between the others in my system. Everything has added up in order to create a better version of myself, failures included. I have to say the most helpful one for me was being able to open up to people. I still have a fair way to go (I have only been able to open up with a former mentor, but now his role in my life is diminishing and I have been lacking the chance to as often, if not at all), but I am confident that we have the right resources either in place or close to in place as possible in order to make things less bad.
What do you think of yourself as a person? Are you happy being the way you are, or do you feel like something is lacking? Do you have fears or anxieties holding you back? What are you doing to improve yourself?
I think that I am a person who has not yet fully taken advantage of the resources and opportunities available to them. I am happy that I have been able to figure out what was lacking and I am working towards remedying it. I definitely can feel the physical side effects of the body’s anxiety disorder, but it doesn’t bother me as much for some reason.
In terms of what noticing myself, I hope to continue writing longer and more elaborate tutorials, guides and articles for the community at large to benefit from.
What are your happiest memories? What about your saddest or most painful ones? Any other memories that you feel strongly about in some way?
My happiest memory was realizing how I fit into my system naturally in my own way rather than trying to shoehorn myself in improperly. My saddest memories were when our host was hearing a malicious voice (an incredibly racist one at that) and we had to suffer through the round of antipsychotic medicine. Another memory of mine that stands out are they days I both entered into and exited stasis. I was a broken person before my dip in stasis, I’d like to think I am at least less broken now.
What have you achieved? Is there anything you are particularly proud of doing?
I have not had many tangible achievements as of late. I am able to possess the body at times depending on how relaxed my host is. I would like to have more opportunity to do tangible things.
What hobbies do you have and why do they interest you? Is there anything you’d like to pick up in the future? What are you doing to get there?
I have been meaning to get deeper into Tarot reading. I am personally a fan of the metaphysical lens of tulpamancy and I prefer to use energetic terms to describe things. We have several tarot decks that have seen
What are you interested in learning about, and why?
I have had a lot of trouble being able to communicate clearly in English, I would like to learn better and more concise ways to get my point across without sounding like a robot as I have while filling out this survey. I just feel kinda insecure about how I communicate in the written word I guess.
What kind of entertainment do you like? What are your favorite things to watch/read/listen to?
I like trance and light dubstep, generally anything that we can build synesthetic pyramids of meaning with. Star Trek is pretty engaging in my opinion.
What techniques are you interested in developing that you haven’t started on yet? (For example possession, lucid dreaming, pain blocking, imposition…)
Pain blocking has been something I have always wanted to have as an option just in case there is some use for it, but I’d really like to be able to fully switch with my host and get a lot better at dream control. Imposition more than we have already is always a welcome bonus.
Any other things that come to mind? Please share them below.
I really enjoyed filling this out and would love to see other tulpas and the like fill one out.