48 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
48 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
|
---
|
||
|
|
title: I Forgive Me
|
||
|
|
date: 2021-08-22
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I took a shower. These words came to me while I was analyzing my life during the
|
||
|
|
shower. I kept them fresh in my heart and built on them while I was taking that
|
||
|
|
shower. I wrote them down here.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I forgive me.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Oftentimes I feel the urge to fight against myself for the things that happen in
|
||
|
|
the world around me. This has created a scenario where I am both more prone to
|
||
|
|
"failure" and deathly afraid of it. By beating myself up so consistently I have
|
||
|
|
created more harm than I was hoping to avoid by doing that in the first place. I
|
||
|
|
was spanked as a child when I did certain kinds of misbehavior. That happened.
|
||
|
|
It's in my past and it can't unhappen. I need to take care to make sure the
|
||
|
|
cycle does not continue by starting it on myself. Even if I feel like things are
|
||
|
|
a "failure". Even if other people report that it is a "failure". I remain.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I forgive me for the things that have happened. The self is shaped and molded by
|
||
|
|
the past that the self experiences, which means that the self can become an
|
||
|
|
avatar of all those who have hurt you and those you have hurt; but at the same
|
||
|
|
time it is also representative of all of those who have loved you and you have
|
||
|
|
loved in return.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I guess the beating up happens because instinctively I am expecting there to be
|
||
|
|
someone to be punished; someone to be hurt; someone to bear the weight of the
|
||
|
|
"failure". But that doesn't need to happen. People don't need to be hurt because
|
||
|
|
of "failure".
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
My self is the closest link I have to my past. To all the things that have hurt
|
||
|
|
me and all the things that have loved me. In doing what I have been doing, I
|
||
|
|
have created a war within myself that is only serving to sabotage me and I
|
||
|
|
cannot have this continue any longer. This does not serve me and I need to cut
|
||
|
|
it out so the things that do serve me can remain.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I need to be more comfortable with "failure", for "failure" is how we learn. The
|
||
|
|
road to healing trauma is a step one by one down a miles long road, but I will
|
||
|
|
take that first step, and the next; and the next; and the next; and the next;
|
||
|
|
all the way for the rest of my life.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I forgive me for beating up my closest ally. I forgive me for beating up myself.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Going forward, I will love where I hated in the past.
|