change (#407)

Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill <me@christine.website>

blog/change-2021-10-20.markdown

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+---
+title: Change
+date: 2021-10-20
+tags:
+  - enby
+  - trans
+---
+
+[Content warning: this post talks about the transgender/nonbinary coming out of
+the closet experience. If you are not in the best headspace for that, feel free
+to skip this post until you're in a better headspace. This post isn't going to
+randomly vanish. It will be there when you're ready. There are some descriptions
+of subconscious body functions and bodily fluids that may gross some people
+out.](conversation://Cadey/enby)
+
+Coming out as transgender/nonbinary to someone you care about one of the most
+terrifying things you can do. At least it feels that way, it feels like things
+are going to change and you'll lose that person. It can be gut-wrenching,
+especially for family.
+
+For me the scariest part of this whole thing has been the change in how people
+see me. It can be a huge abrupt difference for some people, and the unknowns in
+how people will react to that can make you paralyzed with fear. So, let's look
+at change a little.
+
+[Annoyingly, the same kinds of people that get upset about someone changing
+their name and pronouns for coming out as transgender/nonbinary are _instantly_
+and _immediately_ tolerant of someone changing their last name for marriage and
+"get used to it" almost instantly.](conversation://Cadey/facepalm)
+
+Life is a constant change. Stop for a moment right now and feel your body. Feel
+how the pressure in your chest changes as your lungs subconsciously inhale and
+exhale. If you have a watch, look at the seconds hand (or equivalent digital
+display) and watch it tick forward for a bit. Change is constant, yet still
+continuously moving forward. Even though the change is happening though,
+everything is still roughly the same as it was before. Blood continues to move
+through your body, constantly cycling its oxygen with other parts, but it
+continues.
+
+Coming out to my parents was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done.
+I was nervous beyond belief. I hardly ate that day I hit send. I turned off my
+phone after doing it and got lost in a game that I liked playing. The real
+reason it was so scary to me though is that I had already tried to come out to
+them in the past but I was shut down.
+
+Middle school was rough for me. I don't really remember much of it (other than
+they banned high fives for "gang activity"), but that was when my parents found
+my diary app. I don't remember why they were going through my laptop (I grew up
+in one of _those_ kinds of Jesus freak households), but they found it somehow
+and my entries where I was questioning my gender came to their attention and
+they confronted me about it. I was not ready at all. I was completely blindsided
+by it. That attempt to come out failed and I was put into Christian
+"counseling". I was pushed deep back into the closet and I still have trouble
+writing down my thoughts in a journal to this day.
+
+So that day I hit "send" on [the
+email](https://christine.website/blog/coming-out-2015-12-01) was mortally
+terrifying. All that fear from so long ago came raging up to the surface and I
+was left in a crying and vulnerable state. However it ended up being a good kind
+of cry, the healing kind.
+
+My relationship with my parents (and later my siblings) has deteriorated since,
+and not just for religious differences. However, I am fine. I am still healing
+and I probably will be healing for a long time and I have accepted that. In
+place, I have found something more powerful to put in their place. I have found
+a new family of choice.
+
+[For the parents that read this blog, please do not repeat this kind of
+suffering if you can avoid it. I don't want anyone else to suffer the way I have
+if I can help to avoid it.](conversation://Cadey/enby)
+
+This was a huge change, but it ended up being for the better. That change was a
+tool to help me live a better life surrounded by the people I wanted to be
+around as opposed to the people I inherited.
+
+There's an idiom that comes to mind, something that is in the "completely
+misunderstood" brand of idioms: "blood is thicker than water".
+It's often used by people to emphasize the importance of familial relationships
+over friendships or the like (family is the "blood" part of that idiom, and
+friendships are the "water" part). The full form of the idiom is closer to this:
+
+> The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
+
+This overall sentiment is [commonly interpreted by Christian
+scholars](https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/murray_andrew/two/two09.cfm) to
+have a meaning closer to "the bond between Jesus and someone who chooses to
+believe in Him is stronger than the bond between family members", however we can
+afford to interpret this differently for the sake of this message.
+
+The bonds you choose are stronger than the bonds you inherited. The bonds I have
+with my friends, my husband, my closest companions and all those who I keep
+close to me are stronger than the bonds with my family will ever be.
+
+In a way, coming out as transgender to people and that level of associated
+change has become a _tool_ to help me figure out who really cares about me and
+who I should bother keeping around me. It's my life. I can live it as honestly,
+openly and real as I want to. I don't have to justify it to anyone but myself.
+
+You don't really have to justify this level of change to anyone else but
+yourself either. It'll let you know who your real friends are, for better and
+for worse. You don't have to keep anyone around you that can't accept you for
+who you are. Your family of choice will _always_ have stronger bonds than your
+family of origin.
+
+<center>
+  <picture>
+    <source srcset="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.avif" type="image/avif">
+    <source srcset="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.webp" type="image/webp">
+    <img src="/static/blog/change/the-dude-dither.png" alt="The dude abides">
+  </picture>
+</center>
+
+The Dude abides, so will you. Change as a result of coming out can be a good
+thing as much as it can be a bad thing. Don't let inherent negativity biases
+blind you to that.

scripts/ditherify

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+#!/usr/bin/env nix-shell
+#! nix-shell -p imagemagick -i bash
+
+BASEDIR=$(dirname "$0")
+convert $1 -dither FloydSteinberg -remap ${BASEDIR}/gruvbox-dark.png $2

scripts/imgoptimize

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+#!/usr/bin/env nix-shell
+#! nix-shell -p libwebp -p libavif -p pngcrush -i bash
+
+filename="${1%.*}"
+
+cwebp ${filename}.png -q 75 -o ${filename}.webp
+avifenc ${filename}.png -o ${filename}.avif -s 0 -d 8 --min 48 --max 48 --minalpha 48 --maxalpha 48
+pngcrush ${filename}.png