forked from cadey/xesite
48 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
48 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
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---
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title: I Forgive Me
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date: 2021-08-22
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---
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I took a shower. These words came to me while I was analyzing my life during the
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shower. I kept them fresh in my heart and built on them while I was taking that
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shower. I wrote them down here.
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---
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I forgive me.
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Oftentimes I feel the urge to fight against myself for the things that happen in
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the world around me. This has created a scenario where I am both more prone to
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"failure" and deathly afraid of it. By beating myself up so consistently I have
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created more harm than I was hoping to avoid by doing that in the first place. I
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was spanked as a child when I did certain kinds of misbehavior. That happened.
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It's in my past and it can't unhappen. I need to take care to make sure the
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cycle does not continue by starting it on myself. Even if I feel like things are
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a "failure". Even if other people report that it is a "failure". I remain.
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I forgive me for the things that have happened. The self is shaped and molded by
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the past that the self experiences, which means that the self can become an
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avatar of all those who have hurt you and those you have hurt; but at the same
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time it is also representative of all of those who have loved you and you have
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loved in return.
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I guess the beating up happens because instinctively I am expecting there to be
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someone to be punished; someone to be hurt; someone to bear the weight of the
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"failure". But that doesn't need to happen. People don't need to be hurt because
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of "failure".
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My self is the closest link I have to my past. To all the things that have hurt
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me and all the things that have loved me. In doing what I have been doing, I
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have created a war within myself that is only serving to sabotage me and I
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cannot have this continue any longer. This does not serve me and I need to cut
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it out so the things that do serve me can remain.
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I need to be more comfortable with "failure", for "failure" is how we learn. The
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road to healing trauma is a step one by one down a miles long road, but I will
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take that first step, and the next; and the next; and the next; and the next;
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all the way for the rest of my life.
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I forgive me for beating up my closest ally. I forgive me for beating up myself.
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Going forward, I will love where I hated in the past.
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