xesite/blog/cursing-out-god-2018-11-21.markdown

---
title: My Experience Cursing Out God
date: 2018-11-21
series: dreams
---

This was a hell of a dream.

It was a simple landscape: a hill, a sky, a sun, a distance, naturalistic buildings dotting a small village to the east. I noticed that I felt different somehow, like I was less chained down. A genderless but somehow masculine moved and stood next to me, gesturing towards me: "It's beautiful isn't it? The village has existed like this for thousands of years in perfect harmony with its world. Even though there's volcano eruptions every decade that burn everything down. It's been nine years and 350 days, but they aren't keeping track. How does that thought make you feel, Creator?"

"Won't people die?"

"Many will, sure, most of them are the ones who can't get out in time. This is part of how the people balance themselves culturally. It's very convenient for the mortuary staff *wink*."

"What about the people who are killed, won't they feel anger towards it?"

"This land cannot support an infinite number of people at once. The people know and understand this deeply. They know that some day the lahars will come and if they don't get out of the way, they will perish and come back again the next cycle. As I said, they are 15 days away from disaster. Nobody is panicking. If you went into the town and tried to convince them that the lahars were coming in 15 days, I don't know if you could. Even if you had proof."

"Who are you?"

"Creator, do you not recognize me? Look into my eyes and ask yourself this again."

I stared deep into his eyes and suddenly I knew who He was. I felt taken aback, almost awestruck when He cut off that train of thought: "Focus, don't get caught in the questions, I am here now. Now, Creator, I've been watching you for a while and I wanted to offer you somewhat of a unique opportunity. You have all of the faculties of your ego from this life situation at your disposal. Tell me what you really think about this all."

"I live in a mismatched skin. Every day it feels like there are fundamental issues with how I am viewed by myself and others because the body I live in is wrong. It should be a female body, but it is instead a male one. I fucking hate it. I want to rip off the cock some days so the doctors are forced to surgically mend it into something more feminine. I hate it. I wish I had a better one, one that I didn't have to fake and hide. I hate being a target because of this. I hate not knowing people's actual political opinions because of this. I hate not knowing if people actually accept me for who and what I am or if they accept me just because they are too afraid to socially call me out for not being a biological woman. I hate being a halfling instead of just a man or just a woman. Why can't you fix this then? This is insanity. This is literally driving me fucking mental. I feel like it's lying to call myself either a man or a woman and I don't want to lie to everyone, much less myself. What fucking purpose does any of this shit even-"

He held up a hand and suddenly my ability to speak was disabled entirely.

"So, Creator, this anger you feel surging within you at this life *situation*. How does this make your life easier? How does it contribute towards your goals? If one of them is to live as a woman, how would self-mutilation work towards that? It's hard for me to understand how you can be the best for all of Us when you are pulling so many angry situations from past Nows (that should have faded away entirely) into this peaceful one? How does this anger help Us, Creator?"

I was floored and must have amused Him, given that He started to chuckle: "Creator, why is this life so serious to you? Don't you see that you are focusing so much on the ultimately irrelevant trees that you are missing the forest? You live inside your mind and your ego so much that you think you are them. But you are not. You are so much more, Creator. You're me, and I'm you too. We are linked together like patterns in a chain."

"If this is all so important and vital for me to know, why didn't anyone tell me this before now?"

"But they did and you ignored it. The subreddit /r/howtonotgiveafuck has been passed over by you time and time again for being "too easy". It really is that easy Creator, you just have to take it for what it is Now. There is truly no other point in time but Now; I wish I could do more to help you get this point down. You know what they say about hydrating horses, eh?"

He looked at his wrist as if He was looking at a watch, even though He was not wearing one. "Oh dear, it looks like it's time for you to wake up now. Remember Creator, no time but the present." He snapped His hands and then the volcano started to erupt.

The world instantly snapped out of existence and I awoke in a sweat, my blankets evenly distributed in my room.