i forgive me

Signed-off-by: Christine Dodrill <me@christine.website>

blog/i-forgive-me-2021-08-22.markdown

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+---
+title: I Forgive Me
+date: 2021-08-22
+---
+
+I took a shower. These words came to me while I was analyzing my life during the
+shower. I kept them fresh in my heart and built on them while I was taking that
+shower. I wrote them down here.
+
+---
+
+I forgive me.
+
+Oftentimes I feel the urge to fight against myself for the things that happen in
+the world around me. This has created a scenario where I am both more prone to
+"failure" and deathly afraid of it. By beating myself up so consistently I have
+created more harm than I was hoping to avoid by doing that in the first place. I
+was spanked as a child when I did certain kinds of misbehavior. That happened.
+It's in my past and it can't unhappen. I need to take care to make sure the
+cycle does not continue by starting it on myself. Even if I feel like things are
+a "failure". Even if other people report that it is a "failure". I remain.
+
+I forgive me for the things that have happened. The self is shaped and molded by
+the past that the self experiences, which means that the self can become an
+avatar of all those who have hurt you and those you have hurt; but at the same
+time it is also representative of all of those who have loved you and you have
+loved in return.
+
+I guess the beating up happens because instinctively I am expecting there to be
+someone to be punished; someone to be hurt; someone to bear the weight of the
+"failure". But that doesn't need to happen. People don't need to be hurt because
+of "failure".
+
+My self is the closest link I have to my past. To all the things that have hurt
+me and all the things that have loved me. In doing what I have been doing, I
+have created a war within myself that is only serving to sabotage me and I
+cannot have this continue any longer. This does not serve me and I need to cut
+it out so the things that do serve me can remain.
+
+I need to be more comfortable with "failure", for "failure" is how we learn. The
+road to healing trauma is a step one by one down a miles long road, but I will
+take that first step, and the next; and the next; and the next; and the next;
+all the way for the rest of my life.
+
+I forgive me for beating up my closest ally. I forgive me for beating up myself.
+
+Going forward, I will love where I hated in the past.