4.8 KiB
The Guide of Pleeb
Thirty days after the website tulpa.info is released to the public via the completely unbiased word of Fox News, a mass virtual bombing run is carried out. The rain of hell and fire leaves the website in a post-nuclear apocalypse. The disembodied limbs of the countless newfags are scattered amidst the ashes as the older members survive the nuclear fallout and internet faggotry with a shrug of their veteran shoulders. Pleeb leaves the remains of tulpa.info and travels on foot toward the heart of the internet. Along the way, he demonstrates uncanny survival and fighting skills, hunting trolls and swiftly defeating Kadoh and his tulpas who try to ambush him – leaving Kadoh missing one of his hands. Searching for a source of water, he arrives in a ramshackle town built and overseen by Irish. Irish dreams of building more towns from the remains of tulpa.info’s members and controlling the people’s forcing methods by using the power of a certain guide. His henchmen scour the desolate landscape daily in search of it, but to no avail.
In the local town bar, Pleeb is set upon by a gang of trolls and he kills them all. Realizing Pleeb is a veteran like himself, Irish asks Pleeb to stay, although it is made clear the offer is non-negotiable. After Irish's servant Tesseract gives Pleeb some food and water, Irish orders another one of his servants, Chess, to seduce Pleeb. Pleeb turns her down after a moment of pondering the offer, but she discovers he has a guide in his possession. Pleeb offers to share his food with her, but first shares some of the ancient and seemingly outdated wisdom from his guide. The following day, Chess talks with Tesseract. Irish overhears them and realizes Chess's words may relate to the very guide he has been seeking. He forces Chess to tell him Pleeb was reading an old guide. When he asks what kind, she says it has to do with hour counts and not using wonderlands. Irish realizes Pleeb has a copy of FAQ_Man’s guide, the ancient guide he wants. Pleeb sneaks out of his room and goes to the store across the street, where he had earlier given the engineer, ThatOtherGuy, his ipod to recharge the battery.
Irish has his henchmen shoot at Pleeb, but the bullets seemingly just graze him, as if he is being protected. Pleeb shoots most of Irish's men and hits Irish in the leg with a shotgun blast. Chess leads Pleeb to the town's water supply, hoping she can accompany him on his adventures. Pleeb traps her inside the caves and continues on alone. Chess escapes and soon finds herself ambushed by two bandits who attempt to rape her, but Pleeb appears and kills them – saving Chess’s life.
As they continue on, Pleeb explains to Chess his mission. According to Pleeb, his guide is the last remaining copy of FAQ_Man’s guide, as all other copies were intentionally destroyed following the website’s holocaust. He says he had made up his mind to protect the old and outdated guide, which then led him to travel deep into the interwebs to a place where it should be safe. Thus, for the last untold amount of time he has been traveling west, guided by this belief.
Eventually, Pleeb and Chess investigate an isolated house. They fall into a hidden pit but manage to allay the suspicions of the residents, Fede and Sands, who invite them in for tea and crackers. When Pleeb realizes the couple are fags, he and Chess attempt to leave, but then Irish and his crew arrive. In the ensuing shootout, Fede, Sands and some of Irish's men are killed. Pleeb and Chess are captured. When Irish threatens to kill Chess, Pleeb gives him the guide. Irish shoots him and leaves him for dead.
Chess escapes and drives back to help Pleeb. Rather than chase her, Irish returns to the town since his sole remaining vehicle is running low on fuel. Chess picks up Pleeb further down the internet. They drive until they reach a 4Chan archive, where they find a group intent on saving what they can of tulpa.info’s guides and community. Pleeb tells the guards that he has a copy of the FAQ_Man guide. Once inside, Pleeb begins to dictate the guide from memory to Amadeus, the group's leader.
Meanwhile, back in the town, Irish finds out that the guide is a Microsoft Word Document. Irish only has Microsoft Paint, and an outdated version of Word 1997 that cannot read the newer file. Irish's leg wound has become infected, and he realizes he is going to die. Order breaks down, and the residents start looting the town.
Pleeb dies, but not before he has finished reciting the guide. The printing press at the 4Chan archive begins making copies of the old and golden guide. Amadeus places one on a bookshelf between Lunanite’s guide and Sock’s on one side, and Purlox and Bluesleeve’s on the other. Chess is offered sanctuary, but she chooses to head back home, taking with her Pleeb's possessions.